Tears of a Black Patient
God bless dear friends. When you have an emotional meltdown, a crash and burn from all the mask wearing, you need people who truly know you to give you perspective from all the angles. The conclusion is the mask must come off!.
Here I am, a black patient, feeling like the ONLY black patient, with a foot in the door, a seat at the table, where my voice can be heard. So why the fuck am I crying so hard? Its because under the mask has been the most epic emotional turmoil of potential, possibilities, opportunities and all that, but against a backdrop of racial disparities, white privialage, black conditioning, and guilt.
Manouvering in this new industry I wear the mask my parent conditioned me to wear when it comes to 'dealing with white people in a formal capacity. Self-checks, tone down the 'blackness' don't let the 'slang' slip out, try not to scare or intimidate, you know, don't let the black folk down, your representing us Awwwwwwwlllllllllllllllllllllll. I am an expert at this shit, super locked, its how I've always got what I wanted out of life, all my life, my face fits, I'm a people person, I'm funny more than I am threatening, I'm extremely well educated, and as a free spirit its easy for me to mirror energy, so i get along with people really easily. I am the anomaly, but to both black and white people, and living on that fence has its highs and lows let me tell you. Your also conditioned to 'believe your own hype, believe the mask life, and lie to yourself that everything is ok, look on the brightside, your so lucky, be grateful, all that conditioning stuff we are taught, even when there is injustice, that's how you need to act.
Ive been trying to 'professionally' rally around so I don't feel so alone and isolated, so that I am not the only one having the thoughts and feelings that I have, no one to share that 'look' with when something sensitive hits home, no one else who is also mask wearing or holding back, or brave facing, or not expressing themself as not to offend, or overthinking when you do. I ve been sooooo desperate lately to try to get other patients in who \i can share, and express with. This is all 'too new' to do alone, and that only heightens the feelings of isolation. So I'm isolated in my community (oh Im miss black privilege now darlings, sigh!) and I'm so isolated at the table, but hey, gotta wear the mask, no time for weakness, don't be vulnerable, stand strong, fist in the air and all that!
Im crying because its all so fucking unfair, its unfair that progress which gives me so much hope and joy has to hurt my soul at the same time. Its unfair that i don't feel the relief legal meds are supposed to bring because of the colour of my skin. The fears and anxieties are the same as when Ive had cautions that smashed my life to bits, or verbal warnings, and the more you have going for you, the more you stand to lose. If there was real equality, given my advantages, arent these feeling just supposed to melt away? So is the entire industry of the future just going to consist of more and more white people, in an industry that is based on the most black affected and associated subject matter in modern times - ganja, herb, bud, medz, spliff, weed - it's always been a black face.
But its money and industry time now....where are the black people? getting stopped, doing associated sentences, unable to afford or know the right person to enter the industry, doors slammed in faces, unheard or unrespected voices. This is the last chance for black people to turn shit into sugar and create generational wealth for our offspring. If we don't do it with this? Everything else has been appropriated, EVERYTHING! Its like this is the last commodity, most associated with us across the globe thanks to Bob, who comes from the land of my forefathers, so the history runs even deeper for me when it comes to all the associations, is Jamaica not the mental capital of bud? So can you begin to grasp how deep this whole thing runs for me? My mom still doesn't even believe its legal she thinks I'm blagging, and that's my own mom, so again, where does that leave me with my next encounter with the police? Do we need an extra-strong MedcannID? No MedcannID with be more disbelieved than when it is in a pair of black hands. Am I being set up to fail? Am I setting up other black people to fail when I excitedly tell them their condition qualifies?
It hasn't even been long enough for the conspiracy theories to start lol! When black patients are rejected, will they get a knock on the door? are they in the 'system now' that they would not have been in had they not bothered? Is Project 21 not exposed enough to black people or do they see it and dismiss it as a 'white trap' ? And what of that black lady who is endorsing it all, what's she in it for? Let's get one thing here clear if I didn't have fibromyalgia none of this would be happening, ironically my industries are law and tech, and guess what, I studied law because I got a caution for possession and my sons where teens who were also subject to issues with police just for standing together and talking at times while black! and there would be still no black patient at the table taking the 'black heat' and wearing the 'I promise I won't make you uncomfortable' mask.
This dliemma is when you start to feel like you carry the weight of your nation on your back, remember this comes from the grooming of the elders, deep intense grooming that starts at a very young age and it becomes all you know. And now, here i am in the unknown, where it seems the only answer is to do everything I've been taught not to do. Because unless I open up and spill it all out, then white people are not going to be able to know just how deep this issue runs for a black patient. You cant just chuck em meds and walk away hoorah don't worry your legal now! There are deep rooted emotional issues of guilt and fear and anxiety, and even a sense of betrayal, imagine that! I feel like I got so desperate lately I made some mistakes, and started to feel like my seat is under threat, again there's the old 'you better act right and / or say the right shit at the right time, don't mess it up for us!'.
This morning I took the IBMCA site down, I was even gonna quit PLEA because I don't know if I can even handle the fence digging in my ass any longer that I've been sitting on.
Product Earth, the blacks seem to have little 'ganja T-shirt brand stands' while the white companies has lavish layouts with bean bags and chill zones and freebies. It was an entire weekend of living on the fence alone. Most surprising is again, all the feelings and emotions that this journey has striirred up, that I have never ever felt before in my life ever., and even that is mind blowing, because why? just because my 'ganja' is legal now? what an ocean of emotion.
so what needs to change? Me? The Table? The number of black patients? the racial disparities that will affect black patients? How will black people feel getting medicinal cannabis from an all white industry? Does the industry even care? or will they just pretend to care because diversity and discrimination laws? Do I even still wanna do all this? Can I be bothered to as a patient? If I fucked it all of right now, would it even matter? Im not here to change the world, Im just a patient with an awesome set of skills who can charm the pants off people because of the truth in my nature. But truth is also expressing the ugly, its crying even though things look so bright, its speaking up and showing the rawness so people can respect the depth. people are not psychic, my poor squad may think I'm on fire, so enthusiastic etc, they cant know why this journey hurts my soul unless I take of the mask and show it to them. They wont know the enthusiasm is desperation to avoid isolation which only triggers more issues. The urgency because I live this every day, I am around it everyday, Its why I have to go away for the winters because the environment, the system, the unfairness, the struggle, the conditioning - was always a fight - but with a chronic illness on top? When your hindered from fighting that fight? Internally its like a raging ocean in a storm , but on the surface, your as cool as a cucumber!
Its funny how I set this venting portal for others, but look at who its saved today! No more mask, and I am starting again from total scratch, but this time as unapologetic Marie / Maz, because I see now, it's the only way to start to make a real change right? So no Im not a token black dear person black people, and noooo I am not alright at all dear white people, underneath the mask of the powerhouse, Im just Maz from Newtown (the endz), with fibro, with legal meds, and a whole lot of issues!
Until next time my lovelies xoxox